i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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