I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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