i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
