he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
