my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
