The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
