just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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