At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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