youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
