Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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