Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
