So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
