There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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