I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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