oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
