oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
