biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
