i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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