Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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