hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
