The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
