She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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