I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
do nipples grow back?
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