apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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