I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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