just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
