You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
