is your mom at the bar?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
