...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
