Duck Duck Cougar?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
