My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
