How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
