Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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