just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
