My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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