his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
