Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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