So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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