She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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