i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
