Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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