Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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