So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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