We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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