I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
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No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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