I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
