Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
