What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
