I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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