Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
