Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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