grandma shit on top of the toilet
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
