i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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