the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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