I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
